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My mental health & me.

Today’s new blog post is another update for all those who care. The start of February 2024 was brilliant, I managed to bosh out 15/30 of my outstanding orders and I finally was happy that I was catching up with the delayed orders. 

Then we get to 8/2, my birthday and Mr Mummy Love had organised a secret day out in London to see the Stranger things theatre show, it was a brilliant show if anyone is interested in going to see it. Now obviously with my medical issues I knew that going to London was absolutely going to destroy me so I was likely going to be bedridden for 3/4 days. It’s a given that I knew the following days were going to hard for me regardless of the fact I had taken my mobility scooter with me to London on the trains however due to there being significant works being carried out at Euston station getting to the correct platform for the tube did indeed involve some walking. It wasn’t a lot but it was enough to hurt, 3 stops on the northern line and we would be where we needed to be and the station we came up at had lifts from the tube platforms to street level that were actually working which was a big bonus. 

Earlier on in the start of the week (5/2) I happened to send a message to my tattoo friend asking for her opinion on a piercing and was looking for her advise regarding it. It wasn’t until we were in London having a traditional Nando’s for my birthday dinner that I mentioned to Mr Mummy Love that she hadn’t yet replied or even read my message and it was weird. She always replies within a few hours but nothing. 
Anyway, we went off and saw our theatre show and omfg 3+ hours being stuck in what felt like one of those really tiny chairs that foundation kids use in school and then being squished in tighter than an easyJet flight was enough to make the pain worse and worse all for the sake of trying to get back home at a reasonable time of night. 
So as predicted I ended up being bed ridden until Tuesday as Monday I actually managed to get up and have a bath to help with the pain which in itself knackers me  out for another day. Spoon theory peeps, if you don’t know about it have a google and then you can understand slightly what it’s like on a daily basis for me to just “live”. 
Anyway it wasn’t until Valentine’s Day that really set my mental health back. My Australian wifey then sent me a message with a picture. She was asking if I knew this person she had seen a fb post about. This person had passed away. 
I don’t recall much from this moment but I wasn’t home when I got the message. I had popped around my nans house as my mother had requested I come and install a new freeview recorder thing for her. I had just finished doing that when I stepped outside for a smoke and noticed I had that message from my Oz wifey. 
I read the message and my heart stopped. I read the message again and again. I then spoke to my mum and Nan. My tattoo friend that I had messaged the week before was the person who had died. 
38 years old and a beautiful brilliant woman with 3 beautiful girls. An amazing award winning tattoo artist that I had only gone in October and gotten my most recent piece of work from her. I had bought a gift voucher for her at her tattoo studio only at Christmas for Mr Mummy Love as he has two amazing Super Mario tattoos on his sides and he was wanting another (if you’ve got ink then you know the feeling of wanting your next piece of ink) Mario inspired artwork of hers. 
It was at this point I broke down. I cried hysterically.
That bad my mum didn’t want me driving back home as I was in such a statel. I managed to stop the tears for 15 minutes whilst I drove home and then proceeded to cry for the remainder of the day. I hadn’t slept well that night before this all happened and I just couldn’t fall asleep because of all the crying. I was so hurt and confused about what I had learnt. It wasn’t until about 8pm that I was smoking on my doorstep that our boy monster had returned home and he saw I was sad and gave me a cuddle and I just broke down again. He had to get Mr ML to take over from him as I had soaked him with all the tears. He then helped me upstairs and I cried myself asleep whilst snuggled up against him in bed. Only lasted a couple of hours but by that point I had been away for around 20 hours and was just exhausted. 
I then don’t recall the few days after Valentine’s Day. I know I was a mess and I stayed in bed between crying and sleeping. 
I don't know if anyone else has experienced what I’m about to explain, but being on meds - my crazy pills as I like to call them, I’ve kind of built up a resistance to crying. It has been a significant amount of time that I hadn’t proper cried for so when this happened it opened what I call a gate. A waterworks gate that just everything that effects a medicated bipolar person usually controls and prevents, but it made everything else be more heightened. 
For example with my monsters being so poorly my girl monster with the UTI issue and my boy monster and his ear infection that started in October/November last year, it all just came down like a ton of bricks. The guilt that I feel whenever they get poorly came down so hard on me because around this time our boy monster was down at our local a&e twice a week with his ear infection. Getting no help from the NHS with his issues that just never seemed to be getting better we were finally referred to outpatient ENT who agreed that this issue with the infection was no longer an acute issue as it had been going on for 4 months. 
So because of this they finally put together a plan that involved getting him a CT scan, hearing test and subsequent follow up appointment to discuss the way forward. BUT let’s not forget this is the NHS so things take time. However we received the CT scan within a week of this plan being put together. It wasn’t until they called and booked us in for the hearing test that things just went downhill. 
YUP JULY. We just couldn’t believe it. Bearing in mind he’s in agony every single day taking x2 paracetamol 3 times a day to manage the pain. Again this came with more tears and frustration that my child just can’t be fixed, that he was still needing to have time off school on the days where the pain was the worst and uncontrollable. 
So we took the appointment and just was left to think or wallow in my own thoughts and guilt. It wasn’t until two weeks ago our boy monster woke up and had blood coming out of his ear - which is something he’s never had. So once again we try and get him in with a GP. Mr ML went down in person at 7.45am to get an appointment when they opened at 8am, 4 people in front of him - shouldn’t be an issue you would think - place opens he’s the 5th person to be seen and once again no appointments left with a GP. So he came home and I decided they just had to go back down to a&e as it just wasn’t right that he had blood coming out of his ear. (PIC)

So off they went. 4 hours later I’m called and they still haven’t been seen by anyone other than triage. So I got ready, packed a bag of snacks and stuff to do and got there an hour later. I messaged the hubby and said I was outside in the car. He comes out and before he does he asks reception what’s going on as they’ve been waiting 5 hours now and they were equally confused as ENT had been beeped 3 times already. So he comes out to me gives me the update and goes back in. Lo and behold the ENT doctor had come down. Spends 30 seconds looking at the boy monsters ears, declares that bleeding ears aren’t an emergency, news to me there, there’s nothing that she can do and sorry you’ve been here so long, we thought you had left 3 hours ago regardless that they had been sat in the same place as they came in 5 hours previously. 
So once again he returns home, still bleeding. Still in pain. 
It was at this point I simply lost my shit with the world. 
Fed up and upset at the sight of my child bleeding and in pain and seemingly ignored for 5 hours for zero reason. We had one last port of call we could go down but it would cost us to do it. 
Mr Mummy Love has private medical insurance as part of his perks with his employer. It costs £100 excess for each person on the policy to be taken on and dealt with. We’ve never used it or had it in the past however we just didn’t have any other choice. 
So Mr Mummy Love calls up the insurance people, they accept the case and 6 days later were given an appointment. I took the boy monster to this appointment as he had to be collected from school early than usual and Mr Mummy Love had work calls he had to get on with. In this 30 minute appointment this ENT specialist did more than 5 months of weekly GP appointments or a&e visits. 
This was Wednesday this week and the process of that appointment and its efficiency made me so happy. Happy that my child was finally being seen and treated that this was a serious issue. We now have appointments in the next couple of weeks to get him a hearing test and then another consultation a week after. 
If I think about every single thing that’s happened with both kids since even September for the girl and end of October/November for the boy, having zero progress with either of them I think just this tiny change even though how haunting and traumatic it’s been has helped me mentally understand that good things can happen (eventually).
Last Friday - international women’s day - my sweet amazing friend had her service of life ceremony and cremation. I couldn’t go in person to the ceremony as I just knew it would affect me in a way that wouldn’t be proactive to my mental health. But I spent the whole hour watching the service and recorded it so I could rewatch on my own time and terms as I did have some sobbing sessions at the speeches given and more than likely missed something that was said. 
After the service a small piece of reality came down upon me. Whilst I was shocked and saddened at the news of her passing, I feel happy and blessed that she was in my life even though I was a dot in comparison to the people she knew in her short life, I’m so so lucky that I have her work on my skin and that I knew her. That she was this magical mermaid that shoots out rainbow coloured poop, pierced and tattooed all over and a beautiful talented artist with a heart of gold. A one and only type of person. 
So now it’s been a month since I learned of her passing I believe and hope that I’m on the way to a controlled and safe area within my mental health. 
I know this blog post has been a long one but as always I’m being honest about what has been effecting me the past month. I can only apologise for the delay in orders and I hope to be catching up on these delays between now and Easter. Where as usually the Easter holidays I wouldn’t be working due to the monsters being of school, but I’m letting you all know that I’ll be using this time to catch up on my orders. Thank you all for being so kind and understanding about the situation and as I’ve said before I’ll be including a gift certificate code within your orders to say thank you for waiting patiently for all orders placed before the 1/1/24.
Thank you for reading and understanding the delays. As a parent myself and 75% of people who order from myself also being parents I know that you all understand that my children have to come first In any and all choices I make within running MWML. 
Thank you all for your kindness love and support during this hard month. 

Much love
Mrs Mummy Love

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